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  #21  
Old 28th May 2008, 10:49 AM
Shane Shane is offline
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Two decorators were painting the inside of a church, high up on scaffolding near the back. As they are painting, an old lady enters, walks past them and kneels in the front pew, and begins to pray quietly.

The two decorators thought they'd have a little fun with her. The first one cups his hands around his mouth and booms: "This is the Lord!"

The old lady takes no notice and continues praying.

The second decorator whispers, "you didn't do it properly. Here's how to do it."

So he booms "This is the Lord!" even louder.

The old lady turns around angrily and says:
"Will you ever shut up, I'm trying to talk to your mother."
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  #22  
Old 5th September 2008, 04:20 PM
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Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.


Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."


The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"
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  #23  
Old 5th September 2008, 04:23 PM
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Default Acting up in Church

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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  #24  
Old 5th September 2008, 04:26 PM
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Default What's Your Religion

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.


I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Religious."


"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Christian."


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Protestant."


"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Baptist."


"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"


"Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"


To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
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  #25  
Old 5th September 2008, 04:28 PM
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Default The Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door
as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"


My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"


He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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  #26  
Old 5th September 2008, 07:48 PM
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Default Remarkable Parrot

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."


The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."


Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.


"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.
I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.


"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"


"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"
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  #27  
Old 14th September 2008, 01:46 AM
Arax Arax is offline
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A young man decided to enter a monastery where the vow of silence was observed and the monks spent their days laboring in solitude. Once a year the novice was permitted to meet with the abbot and say exactly two words. After his first year he was ushered into the office where he took a seat and upon a few minutes of consideration he opened his mouth and said:

"Bed hard."

"Bless you, my son," the abbot replied.

He rose from his seat and returned to work where he spent another year in solitude. The following year he arrived for his visit and after taking his seat spoke the words:

"Food cold."

"Bless you, my son," the abbot replied as before.

Once again the monk returned to his silent daily work until the third anniversary arrived and he was shown into the abbots office. Without hesitation he uttered the words:

"I quit!"

"I'm not surprised," the abbot responded. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
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  #28  
Old 14th September 2008, 01:47 AM
Arax Arax is offline
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
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  #29  
Old 14th September 2008, 02:24 PM
Shane Shane is offline
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Location: Ireland
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Default Letters to God

Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot


Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?"
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla


Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! - Eugene


Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Allison


Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy


Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita


Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma


Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones
You have now? - Cindy


Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan


Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward


Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil


Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Robert


Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce


Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom
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  #30  
Old 14th September 2008, 02:29 PM
Shane Shane is offline
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St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus,
could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while
St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach
the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more.
"You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
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