CatholicPlanet.Net discussion group  

Go Back   CatholicPlanet.Net discussion group > Catholicism > Catholic Humor
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 2nd April 2009, 11:26 PM
Shane Shane is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Ireland
Posts: 936
Default A Few Jokes

What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.


An Irishman was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

He looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.


A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying
the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side
of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer,
he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the
traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he
came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a
tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an
old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,
then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who
was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road
said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
their best friends behind.'
Reply With Quote
Old 2nd April 2009, 11:48 PM
Joey Joey is offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 629

Thanks, Shane....we can all use a chuckle about right now. Interesting about the first joke, the dyslexic agnostic. My eighth grade REP kids, after getting constant scoldings from me for taking the Lord's name in vain, have trained themselves to say,"Oh my dog".
"Closer to You bid me, that with Your saints I may be praising Your name, forever and ever."

Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2009, 12:05 AM
Arax Arax is offline
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 322

Love the jokes! They made me laugh out loud! I need that right now. Thanks! (Can't wait to go downstairs and tell them to my husband.)
Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2009, 02:28 PM
Brother Brother is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,858

Thanks for sharing!... those were good ones.
Reply With Quote
Old 3rd April 2009, 06:28 PM
Brother Brother is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,858

Reply With Quote
Old 23rd April 2009, 09:52 PM
Brother Brother is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,858

A man had the opportunity to talk with God and asks Him:

“God, is that true that one minute for You is like one million years?...”

And God replies: “Yes”.

The man then asks:

“…and is it true that, for You, one million dollars is like only one dollar?”.

God answers: “Yes”.

So the man asks again:

“Can You give me one million dollars then?”

…and God says: “Give me a minute….”
Reply With Quote
Old 24th April 2009, 01:04 AM
Posts: n/a

Reply With Quote

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:22 PM.

Powered by vBulletin Version 3.6.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.