CatholicPlanet.Net discussion group  

Go Back   CatholicPlanet.Net discussion group > Catholicism > Catholic Humor
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 14th November 2007, 05:37 PM
Ron Conte Ron Conte is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12,775
Default any new jokes?

Anyone heard any good Catholic jokes lately?

I'd like to keep this thread going.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 14th November 2007, 05:55 PM
Climacus Areopagite Climacus Areopagite is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,593
Default

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 14th November 2007, 07:06 PM
garabandalg garabandalg is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,686
Default

Here are five I heard a while ago. Hope at least some of you have not heard them yet.

1. Four little old ladies used to play cards and gossip together. One day one of them told the others, "My son is a Bishop, and when he enters the room people say His Grace". The other old lady said, "That is nothing, my son is a Cardinal, and when he enters a room people say "His Eminence". To this the third little old lay said," That is nothing as well, for my son is the Pope, and when he enters a room people say "His Holiness". The fourth little old lady just sat there in silence, to which the others then said, "What about you, how do people refer to your son?" The fourth little old lady said, "Well, my son is just a priest, but he is 7 feet tall and weighs 300 pounds, so when he enters a room people say "Oh My God!"

2. A Cardinal dies and finds himself on a line waiting to get into Heaven. Upset at having to wait, the Cardinal looks ahead and begins to take note of who is front of him. Suddenly, he realizes that a cabdriver is at the front of the line. This insult he cannot take, so he yells to St. Peter, "I was a Cardinal of the Catholic Church. I was a shepherd to millions of people and regularly visited the Pope. People bowed before me and saw me as an inspiration to serve God. In fact, I told my sheep to pray as often they could. Yet, I have to wait behind a mere cabdriver to get into Heaven?" St. Peter answered, "You may have been a Cardinal and many may have followed you and prayed due to your advice, but every single person who ever entered this man's cab prayed like they never did before or since!"

3. A line of people are on line waiting to enter Heaven, and St. Peter asks each of them a question before they enter. Two men on the line wonder what is going on, until the first man reaches the front of the line where St. Peter asks him, with the second man hearing, "How many times were you unfaithful to your spouse before repenting for your sins?" The first man smiled and said, "In all honesty, I was never unfaithful." To this St. Peter said, "Very well, here in Heaven we have people move about in vehicles consistent with their loyalty to their station in life, so here is your Rolls Royce." When St. Peter asked the second man the same question, that man was ashamed. Looking at his feet, he answered, "I am ashamed, for I was unfaithful ten times during my marriage and before I repented for my sins." St. Peter said, "Very well, here is your used station wagon." The man entered Heaven still ashamed to be driving around in such a wreck of a car, but he suddenly saw the man who had gotten the Rolls Royce sitting in his car crying. "Some people are never satisfied" he said to himself, and he went over to consolve the man. "What are you so upset about? Look at me in my piece of junk!" To this the first man answered, "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

4. An atheist is being chased by a bear. In anguish, he calls out to God for help, saying, "I know that I never believed in you, but if you truly do exist, make this bear as religious as possible!" The only thing that atheist ever recalled about religious people is how merciful and kind they were, so he figured a merciful and kind bear would never eat him. Suddenly, a loud voice boomed in the skies and said, "You never believed in me. You questioned my existence and mocked those who believed in me but, to show you that I do exist, I will grant your request that this bear be as religious as possible." "Oh, thank you!" screamed the atheist, figuring he would be spared by the bear. Just then, the bear came upon the man and, just as he was ready to devour the atheist, he suddenly stopped, put his paws together and said, "Dear God, I am truly thankful for the meal that I am about to receive."

5. A man bought a car in Jerusalem, but the salesman said, "This is the Holy Land, and nothing is untouched by the sacred. To stop this car you need only say, "Amen" and to start it again you need only say, "Thank God". Suspicious of the claim, but liking the price of the car, the man bought it and began to drive into the hills. Suddenly, he lost control of the brakes and steering and, seeing himself heading toward a precipice, began to pray with great fervor. Just as he reached the edge of the cliff, he ended his prayer with "Amen" stopping the car right at the edge of doom. Looking down, he then exclaimed, "Thank God".
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 14th November 2007, 08:43 PM
Brother Brother is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,873
Default

Hahahah those are really good ones. Thanks for sharing them!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 15th November 2007, 04:15 AM
RJP2006 RJP2006 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 261
Default Hahaha

Cmac that was funny!!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 15th November 2007, 04:38 PM
Climacus Areopagite Climacus Areopagite is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,593
Default

On Easter Sunday, a priest, taken by the resurrection of Christ delivers an exuberant sermon. His family is in town to visit, and he is so excited about the resurrection that his sermon is earth-shattering. His gesticulations, his fire, everything is so outgoing and exuberant.

The Mass ends, and the priest goes to his family to share the Easter brunch. As he enters his family house his sister looks up and says: "Oh, look the Easter ham has arrived."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 16th November 2007, 06:19 PM
trswago trswago is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 76
Default Lol

LOL.... I really like this thread, where has it been hiding ?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 31st December 2007, 07:43 PM
Climacus Areopagite Climacus Areopagite is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,593
Default

Q. How do you make Holy Water?
A. You boil the Hell out of it.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 31st December 2007, 08:10 PM
VKallin VKallin is offline
supporting member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Port, Florida
Posts: 615
Default Two Nuns

Two Catholic Nuns were attending a football game. Seated immediately behind them were two rowdy male fans who decided to have a little fun at the Nun's expense. The first man said to the second "this isn't much of a game. Why don't we go down the road a little way and watch Notre Dame play? ". The second man replied (No, I don't think so.....there are too many Catholics there." So the first man tried again. "Well then....lets go a little further down the road to watch the game at St. John's"? Again the second man replied "Let's not.....there are too many Catholics there as well". At this point one of the Nun's turned around and suggested "Why don't you go to hell.....there arn't many catholics there"
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 31st December 2007, 11:33 PM
Michael
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Three men, on Christmas Eve, died in a car wreck and found themselves at the pearly gates facing St Peter. St Peter, feeling compasionate, told the three men that since it was the Christmas season, he would allow them into heaven if they could produce some indication of "Christmas spirit". So, the first man finds a cigarette lighter and flicks it and announces he has a Christmas candle. St Peter nods and lets him in. The second man searches around and finds a set of car keys and he begins to jingle them and exclaims, these are Christmas bells, and in he goes. The third man was really distraught, unable to come up with anything, finally he pulls out a pair of ladies underwear and shows them to St. Peter. St peter frowns and asks. What is this? and the man says,--These are "Carrols"!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:15 AM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.6.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.